"If I'd asked people what they wanted, they would have said a faster horse."

"After the laws of physics, everything else is opinion."

"Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right."

"I don't have to know anything anymore because the Internet knows everything now."

"Maybe being a bleeding heart is always better than having no heart at all."

"It seems that today stop-and-go driving is more stop than go."

"Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat."

"The last quarter mile of any trail is always the cruelest."

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."

"What we think, we become."

"Don't act so humble - you're not that great."

"Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?"

"Our lives are frittered away by detail; simplify, simplify."

"What a computer is to me is it's the most remarkable tool that we've ever come up with, and it's the equivalent of a bicycle for our minds."

"If you're not prepared to be wrong, you'll never come up with anything original."

"When forced to work within a strict framework the imagination is taxed to its utmost - and will produce its richest ideas. Given total freedom the wo

Whoops - lost some of this one. Will fix if I can find it again. - Ed.

"Such power there is in clear-eyed self-restraint."

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."

"Computers are useless for they can only give answers."

"If you want to feel young, hang out with old people. If you want to feel old, hang out with young people."

"Why are they called trailers if they are at the beginning of the movie?"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?"

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"Only the good die young."

In memory of Gene Bates. My good friend who left us way too soon.

"When someone tells me something is free I ask them who is paying for it."

"When someone tells me something is free I ask them how much it's going to cost me."

"Right is still right even if nobody's doing it and wrong is still wrong even if everybody's doing it."

"Every sperm is sacred! Every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, God is quite irate."

"If you cannot measure it, you cannot improve it."

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

"Half a mind is better than no mind at all."

"Ignorance is bliss."

"I know people in high places. Unfortunately, they don't know me."

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone."

"And though the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea."

"SAVE THE EARTH!! (it's the only planet with chocolate!!)"