"When something looks effortless, it's usually because of the amount of effort that went into it."

"Whenever someone says, 'To make a long story short' it's usually too late."

"When someone asks you, 'Do you understand what I'm saying?' it's usually because they aren't explaining themselves clearly enough."

"Most people don't know more than they do know -- they just don't know it."

"Some say I'm robbing the cradle, but I say she's robbing the grave."

Q: "Tell me what's the difference between ignorance and apathy." A: "I don't know and I don't care."

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

"The reward for impatience is usually a longer wait."

"The simplest way to appear more beautiful or smart is to surround yourself with people who are uglier and dumber than you are."

"The real measure of a person's charity is whether that person gives even when he has very little to give."

"Just because I don't believe in something doesn't mean it isn't true." or "Just because I do believe in something doesn't make it true."

"Even on your birthday you still have to take out the trash."

"Don't criticize the job someone is doing unless you're about to help them do it."

"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you."

"A little paranoia never hurt anyone."

"Never assume because people are in positions of responsibility that they are therefore behaving responsibly."

"To say that something is foolproof is to say that you just haven't found the right fool yet."

"Zero point zero."

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."