"If you want to feel young, hang out with old people. If you want to feel old, hang out with young people."

"Why are they called trailers if they are at the beginning of the movie?"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?"

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"Only the good die young."

In memory of Gene Bates. My good friend who left us way too soon.

"When someone tells me something is free I ask them who is paying for it."

"When someone tells me something is free I ask them how much it's going to cost me."

"Right is still right even if nobody's doing it and wrong is still wrong even if everybody's doing it."

"Every sperm is sacred! Every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, God is quite irate."

"If you cannot measure it, you cannot improve it."

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

"Half a mind is better than no mind at all."

"Ignorance is bliss."

"I know people in high places. Unfortunately, they don't know me."

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone."

"And though the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea."

"SAVE THE EARTH!! (it's the only planet with chocolate!!)"

Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein

• "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
• "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
• "One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
• "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
• "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
• "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

Copyright: Kevin Harris 1995 (may be freely distributed with this acknowledgement)

"Remember, what is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others."

"You say that money isn't everything, but I'd like to see you live without it."

"To be out of control, is to allow others to control you."

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument."

"When something looks effortless, it's usually because of the amount of effort that went into it."

"Whenever someone says, 'To make a long story short' it's usually too late."

"When someone asks you, 'Do you understand what I'm saying?' it's usually because they aren't explaining themselves clearly enough."

"Most people don't know more than they do know -- they just don't know it."

"Some say I'm robbing the cradle, but I say she's robbing the grave."

Q: "Tell me what's the difference between ignorance and apathy." A: "I don't know and I don't care."

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

"The reward for impatience is usually a longer wait."

"The simplest way to appear more beautiful or smart is to surround yourself with people who are uglier and dumber than you are."

"The real measure of a person's charity is whether that person gives even when he has very little to give."

"Just because I don't believe in something doesn't mean it isn't true." or "Just because I do believe in something doesn't make it true."

"Even on your birthday you still have to take out the trash."

"Don't criticize the job someone is doing unless you're about to help them do it."

"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you."