"When something looks effortless, it's usually because of the amount of effort that went into it."

"Whenever someone says, 'To make a long story short' it's usually too late."

"When someone asks you, 'Do you understand what I'm saying?' it's usually because they aren't explaining themselves clearly enough."

"Most people don't know more than they do know -- they just don't know it."

"Some say I'm robbing the cradle, but I say she's robbing the grave."

Q: "Tell me what's the difference between ignorance and apathy." A: "I don't know and I don't care."

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

"The reward for impatience is usually a longer wait."

"The simplest way to appear more beautiful or smart is to surround yourself with people who are uglier and dumber than you are."

"The real measure of a person's charity is whether that person gives even when he has very little to give."

"Just because I don't believe in something doesn't mean it isn't true." or "Just because I do believe in something doesn't make it true."

"Even on your birthday you still have to take out the trash."

"Don't criticize the job someone is doing unless you're about to help them do it."

"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you."

"A little paranoia never hurt anyone."

"Never assume because people are in positions of responsibility that they are therefore behaving responsibly."

"To say that something is foolproof is to say that you just haven't found the right fool yet."

"Zero point zero."

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."

"The best way to be a productive citizen, is not necessarily by producing more citizens."

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

"Somebody blows their nose and you want to keep it."

"You're right, no human would stack books that way."

"If conclusions were cliffs then maybe we wouldn't jump so often. Maybe not at all."

"Since we have eliminated our natural predators, we now prey on each other."

"Rainy weekends are nature's way of making us relax."

"...Hiking seemed to be the only way any of us came to understand the burden of possessing too much."

"When you don't have any money, everything is high priced."

"Every time that I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face are gettin' clearer."

"If having a high forehead denotes high intelligence then I get smarter every time I look in the mirror."

"When reality bites -- bite back."

"If you want to see something happen, call it impossible."

"The industrial age has so alienated and so conditioned the human, that survival outside the industrial bubble is difficult."

Ed. - But not impossible.

"Travel light."

"Only in a viable natural world can there be a viable human world."

"I'm not really losing my hair -- it's just migrating down my back."

"It's hell to be popular."

"Our forefathers cut down the wilderness so we could plant saplings in our housing developments."

"Don't be too busy improving the world -- to devote some time to enjoying it at it is."

"If you do it right the first time -- then you only have to do it one time."

"The future whispers while the present shouts."

"You can't change the date of your birth, but the date of your death is slightly more flexible."

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

"Story of our species, everyone knows it's coming, but not so soon."

"Isn't it amazing? In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished thought."

"Only in the U.S. will you see a 'Just say no to drugs' ad sandwiched between an aspirin and a beer commercial."

"If drugs are so awful, why don't we have medicine stores?"

"You can have stuff or you can have money but if you have stuff and money, then you got too damned much money."

"The only thing that frightens me about middle-age is the fact that you'll outgrow it!"

"We have so successfully insulated ourselves from the natural world that we no longer have to worry about predators or our survival. Now all we have to worry about is each other."

"You know that you're meant for each other when you both ridicule the same things."

"Only the mediocre are always at their best."

"Eating lower on the food chain is a great idea. I just hope I never have to drink lower on the beer chain."

"There are no jobs on a dead planet."

"Keep an open mind, but don't let your brains fall out."

"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."

"Money is easy to get. Getting large quantities of it however, is another story."

"You can change a persons mind easier than you can change the way they feel about something."

"Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous?"

"I guess every form of refuge has its price."

"Why does the box always outlast the shoes?"

"The worst thing about going to funerals, is that you know that you'll be going to at least one more."

"Be careful what you wish for because your wish might come true."

"What good is a house if you don't have a decent planet to put it on?"

"If your Earth is falling apart, there go your plans for summer vacation."

"I don't have an ultimate goal in life because if I reached it ... what then?"

"I know a lot about a lot of things but I don't know everything about anything. But then, who does? Who even wants to?"

"I just want to be remembered as someone who gave a shit."

"I love children -- other people's children."

"The easiest way to find out who you are and what you want, is to find out who you aren't and what you don't want."

"The only constant in life is change."

"Thinking is just having a conversation with yourself."

"We behave just like water and electricity -- we take the path of least resistance."

"...It is turmoil and confusion and not calm assurance that mark the growth of the mind..."

"...Nothing so persuades a man to accept a novel idea as the sense that he already knew it to be true."

"The average person seems perfectly content to settle for being -- average."

"It's those restless hearts that never mend."

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

"I used to see the world in black-and-white, now all I can see are shades of gray."

"Back off man -- I'm a scientist."

FRANCIS: "If you call me Francis, I'll kill ya. If you touch my stuff, I'll kill ya." SERGEANT HULKA: "Lighten up Francis."

"Someone once told me that I must have been a dog in a former life because I like trees so much."

"The only thing in life that is carved in granite is your headstone -- if you can afford one."

"We all live downwind and we all live downstream."

"Think globally -- act locally."

"I've seen the future -- HA -- I can't afford it."

"Life sucks order from a sea of disorder."

"The only person you can control is you."

"Life's a bitch and then you die."

"Reality is overrated."

"The truly courageous person looks adversity in the eye -- and spits in it's face."

"Even a rock will crumble, if you strike it night and day."

"If anyone ever tells you there is justice in this world -- they are lying."

"If we knew what our futures held, we might not want to go there."

"Never give a gun to ducks."

"If you ain't where you are, you're no place."

"ALWAYS have a plan 'B'."

"You love her, but she loves him, and he loves somebody else, you just can't win."

"It's hard to believe we need this place called hell."

"Every once in a while I like to look up and smile for a satellite picture."

"Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?"

"It's ironic that none of us will ever actually see our own faces considering the amount of time that we spend looking at reflections or images of them."

"When a friend asked me how I could I sleep at night having to pay such a large mortgage note. I said, 'It's easy, sleeping is the only thing I can afford to do.' "

"Dancing is usually just an excuse to grope a stranger in the dark."

"One way to assure someone's cooperation, is to prove to them you don't need it."

"I can't get no satisfaction."

"It's good to be at the top of the food chain."

"Protect the right to arm bears."

"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane."

"Gravity -- it's not just a good idea -- it's the law."

"40 isn't old -- if you're a tree."

"You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose."

"You can't always get what you want."

"I'd prefer a bottle in front of me to a frontal lobotomy."

"If right-handed people are dominated by their left brains and left-handed people are dominated by their right brains, then left-handers are in their right minds. Right?"

Q: "Why point out the obvious." A: "Because it isn't always obvious to everyone."

"When you're down there's just one way to go."

"When you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose."

"Without your mind and your body you are just empty space."

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

"An intelligent man does not learn to store information, but how to find it."

"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."

"Of all the things I've lost -- I miss my mind the most."

"A sane man in an insane world must appear insane."

Q: "If you could have only one book, which one would it be?" A: "The Dictionary -- I figure all the other books are in there."

"Women who are ugly in the dark do not improve under better lighting."

"Life is the opposite of driving without a rear-view mirror - you know exactly where you've been, you just don't know where the hell you're going."

"When I have the time, I don't have the money - and when I have the money - I don't have the time."

"There is nothing as liberating as pure and total desperation."